I found this funny!

2005-12-18T09:55:44Z

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Wolf Star
Your Superpower is Vampirism
Your Weakness is Glitter
Your Weapon is Your Mind Nunchucks
Your Mode of Transportation is Pony

What's your Superhero Name?

Rhawnie

2005-12-17T13:16:31Z

What the fuck. I'm going to put this on the web. Maybe she'll see it and remember how much she means to me. I nearly wrote 'Maybe she'll see it and remember how much she meant to me.' but then I'm not done with this pain yet. Maybe this will help.

For those of you that don't know this story, here it is.

Years ago I was in a bad place. Sandy calls it her 'Black Pit' but in the end its just Depression. Granted Suicidal Depression in this case. I was mentally fucked up, still am, but getting better. See...I dunno what got into me but for most of a year or so I felt like I was on the otherside of a glass wall and all my 'friends' were on the other. Now that I think back on it, I was being awfully DUMB, but you can't argue with your psyche at times. Thats the way I felt at the time and one night when I'd been invited to a party I begged off so I could quietly end my life.

I sat in my bedroom for hours. I'd arranged the room to make it easy to clean oddly enough. Got an old painters dropcloth out of the garage and laid it down and sat on it. Had posters all over my walls and ceiling so that the blood wouldn't stain them (yeah I was being smart and oh so conscientous *sarcasm*). I even took the sheets off my bed and covered the mattress with a plastic thing for bedwetters. I sat there for hours staring at my uncles Vietnam issue .45 caliber Colt semiauto. Big, slow-moving bullets I figured would guarantee the kill ya know. Kinda hard to live with most of your brain not residing in your skull. Hours passed as I thought about stupid shit. I look back and realize that I was hoping someone would stop me. Reassure me that I was loved and needed and such. Yeah, retard moment, and guess what...it happened. No silly, I didn't blow my head off, but I heard my father's voice say "SEAN!" but when I looked at the door it was closed. I went prowling through the house looking for the source of the voice and found no-one. I went back to my room and sat again. Only for a little while though. I decided I needed some air and went for a drive. Problem with that was that I was new to Athens, GA and didn't really know where else to go so I ended up driving around the loop for nearly 3 hours before realizing I was thirsty and tired. I didn't want to sleep though and at nearly 2am I figured I wouldn't run into anyone I knew. Boy was I fuckin wrong.

Becca. Rebecca Anne Patterson. Cute, tiny, seemingly vulnerable, and just turned 18 that night. Mistake #1. I ended up at Jittery Joes (when it was still JITTERY Joes and not Room 13) and got 5-shots of espresso in a large coffee. Didn't want to sleep and this'd guarantee it. I made my way back towards the smoker's area and guess who saw me. Yep. Becca. She jumped off her boyfriends lap to run over and give me her good news about her 18th birthday. I put on a patently false smile but she didn't notice. She invited me to meet her boyfriend and her new boss. Her boss was this rather attractive young woman of 20 named Rhawnie Roland. She immediately knew something was wrong with me but she was too polite to ask in front of Becca and her boytoy. In my rather oblivious state I didn't notice that she noticed. Pity. I'd have saved myself alot of pain.So there I was trying to be somewhat sociable with Becca and her boss and her boy, when Becca asks her boy to run up to the tobbacco shop (which was closed btw but she made him do it anyway) to buy her some smokes. Rhawnie gets up to go get a refill and Becca drops a small, easily portable, lunch-box-sized nuke in my lap in the form of three tiny but oh so explosive words. "I Love You." It took me a moment to figure out what she had said but she did and of course in my fucked up state of mind I just assumed she meant that in a older-brother sorta way. I smiled and sipped my caffine overdose in a cup and said "Thanks."

A little backstory is in order right about now. I met Becca when she was 16 (I think) and Laura Collier at the same time. Laura was 17 though. Right in front of Jittery Joes one Spring afternoon. Almost immediately I was taken by this tiny lil girl that looked so innocent. Yep. I was a doof and didn't know she was jailbait then. We chatted and her conversation skills were fairly lacking and I finally figured out after a few minutes that she was a kid. At which point I backed the fuck off. Little did I know she was already shaggin a 23 year old that shall remain nameless (It wasn't me! I swear! I may be pervy at times but I have -some- shred of decency!). So yeah. Crush that was crushed. Happens. Over the next couple years we ran into each other and chatted but I'd started to figure she'd always be a kid to me. God's I wish I'd kept that immpression. Would have saved me alot of pain.

Back on Becca's 18th birthday. She was stareing at me with those rather beautiful eyes and she clarified "I Love You, Sean. Always have. You always treated me with respect, courtesy and like an adult, even when I was 16. I want you." Okay. Serious surreal moment for me. I swear the room swam at that point but then Rhawnie came back and Becca pretended nothing was wrong. I got up and sorta drunkenly staggered to the bathroom. Thought I was gonna be sick with the room spinning like that. Wasn't though. When I came out, Rhawnie was leaving with Becca's boy. Taking him back to his Dorm according to Becca. She asked me to give her a ride home and at this point she was being rather cool and calm so I figured I musta been hallucinating the whole thing. See! Toldja I was fucked up. I gave her a ride home and she gave me her phone number before getting out of my car and told me to think about what she said and to call her. I think I broke out in a coldsweat.

I went to talk to Laura which was Becca's best friend at the time and Laura advised me to keep away from the girl. Wish I'd listened. Woulda saved me alot of pain. I didn't though because that small boy inside of me was overjoyed at being loved by someone. He clutched that thought with so much strength I ended up callig Becca and the dating began. Gods I hate Dating. Whats the point?! We saw movies together, hung out together and spent an inordinate amount of time together. Thought I was in love with her. Foolish me. Now all during this we spent alot of time with Rhawnie too...and I found that I genuinely enjoyed talking with this attractive girl. Becca for all her beauty and sheer innocent-LIKE sensuality was a child when it came time to talk about things like music, movies, philosophy, world-events, and damn near anything else that wasn't fashion or beauty oriented. Rhawnie, however, while not as beautiful as Becca turned out to be MUCH more interesting. Becca realized I was falling for Rhawnie before I did. I will admit that Becca was extremely kind to me. She broke up with me. Quietly and politely. She told me to not take life so seriously and try to enjoy myself. She quit her job shortly after and never told Rhawnie why. I spent the next couple weeks pretty much moping about but Rhawnie kept dragging me out of my funk to do stuff. Go see concerts, movies, eat out, ya know. I fixated. Mistake #2.

Rhawnie Roland became a fixture in my life. Hell, my MOTHER liked her. My mother generally hates most females I dare to introduce her to. If one of us was seen, the other was nearby. I spent more time at her place than I did at mine. This lasted for over a year. Finally she asked me what was wrong with me when we met. It took her a year to ask but she said that I looked like I'd died that night. Maybe the girl was onto something. I told her. Everything. She cried. She shared. In the year that I'd known this girl I knew very little about her past. She told me. She was married at 17 and her husband beat the shit out of her. She was still technically married since she'd basically packed up her stuff and left after a few months of this treatment. She moved to Athens to live with a friend. I learned alot of other stuff about her that day that I will take to my grave. I also learned something else. The fact that she was a Lesbian.

I distinctly remember hearing the sound of breaking glass and I smelled smoke. This is odd because we were at the time sitting on the hood of her car in the middle of a field.

Reality shift. Yes, lesbian. See after the abusive hubby she stopped trusting men and since the only person she could count on was a woman she knew and moved to Athens for, she apparently went over to the other team. Now I look back on that moment and realize that I did a lot of growing up in that short few minutes. I accepted this new information and moved on. I was her friend and she trusted me. That was enough. Mistake #3.

We spent the next 2 years doing alot of cool, if somewhat stupid, shit. She was there when I smoked my first bowl of Ganja. We got pleasantly drunk together repeatedly. She introduced me to the joys of Nine Inch Nails and Busch. Inseperable. I was deluding myself. I fell in Love. Truely. Deeply. Sadly. If she'd asked for it...I'd have given her my soul. Maybe I did. She left.

One balmy november day she told me that she was moving to North Carolina with friends. I did something rash. I asked her to marry me. I meant every fuckin word too. She smiled that sweet smile of hers and said the most painful fuckin word I've ever heard. "Yes." followed by the second most painful. "Someday." She left 3 days later.

10/7.

Moods

2005-12-17T08:20:14Z

I'm in a mood tonight. A co-worker went and blamed me for something that I DID NOT do and now the boss thinks I'm a fuckin retard. So anger is one mood I'm in. I'm trying very hard to relax. Listenin to some Ella Fitzgerald and some Nina Simone. If you younglings want to hear REAL GOOD music, check em out. Dreamy stuff if you like oldies and jazz. Its working I think.

Loneliness is a feeling that I am becoming all too accustomed to it seems. Tess_in_darnes keeps telling me theres a woman out there for me but damnit I wish she'd hurry the fuck up and arrive. Yes, I'm in the mood for a relationship again, as disasterous as that might seem. I'll admit that my luck with women hasn't been the best. Too fuckin hard-headed and dominant at times I guess. Also got a problem with bottling my emotions, especially the bad ones. Been workin on it though.

Emotions, the bad ones, are not pleasant things for other people to see. None of my friends have truely seen me angry. Yes, some of you that read this will contradict but trust me folks, you haven't. I know that you all think I'm an overly violent fuck at times but I try very hard to not let the really violent urges show and thats bad because I know one day I'm gonna snap and its going to be REALLY ugly. Bah I've had enough of this for now. On to something more painful.

Temptations

2005-12-02T11:58:58Z

The word brings all sorts of naughtiness to mind, doesn't it? I know you're all a buncha pervy people out there. In this particular instance of temptation, however, I find that there's no naughtiness involved. Yes, I am writing this from a female friends computer while she sleeps soundly a few feet away, but as tempting as she can be at times, this isn't one of them. See, she's quite ill at the moment and its partly my fault. I brought the cold around my friends and likely a few will get the coughs and fever like I have. She got it and its pretty much dropped her for a good lil while.

That's not the tempting part though. She has so many things to do today and this weekend and here I've gone and made her sick. Granted she's been stressed out for a while now and that didn't help matters but then I had to go and talk her into getting a note from the clinic to give her the weekend to rest and recover. She's a sucker for temptation, eh? I will admit that its primarily through my fondness for her that I decided to be so wicked and give her that excuse to give in but just so you all know...this is not something I would ordinarily condone.

Temptation in all its many guises should be resisted for it only makes us weaker. Yes, I've given in to it more times than most of you but I've also resisted. Some of my flings with temptation turned out so very badly for myself and others but a few were quite good and enjoyable. I know most of you have as well but this is something that I feel the need to talk about. I'm not berating anyone or even criticizing anyone but I wanted to air out my thoughts.

I know everyone has days even weeks where they feel like utter crap for whatever reason but the older I get the less tolerant I am of excuses to slack off. Most of you out there are probably in school of some type of another or at least been there I hope. I've spent the last 10 years of my life pretty much being a bum. A slacker. A dilettante even. Usually ya gotta be rich for that last one but money isn't everything. I've decided that I'm going back to school for re-training and maybe even my Masters degree. Who knows. Now I made it through my first degree by sheer determination and hard work. Mother and Father helped only a little bit after I screwed the pooch called grades my freshman year of college. A lot of people depend on their folks to help em with the expenses while attending University and that's great but to me that's all the more reason to bust ones small, medium, or large ass to get those good grades and not skip out on the work. Yeah yeah I can hear it now about how tired you get sometimes or how much booze was involved the previous evening/morning but in the end, its your responsibility to yourself and NO ONE ELSE to do what you need to do so think hard or, harder at least, next time you want to call in sick to school or work. There just might be some young, peppy lil fuck waiting to take your place in the professors eye or your boss's ass.

10/7, 10/42

The Ravings of the Fox in Wolf's Clothing

I found this funny!

Rhawnie

Moods

Temptations